How to Snag a Bearded Mozlem in 10 Days

Stellar Find March 2, 2010

We at Snagabeardedmozlem have recently happened upon a miraculous and spectacular blog called “The Beardly.” We find this site to be truly worth your time. Below are some gems we found:

If it were only that simple… October 12, 2009

Dreaming of Beards: Visuals February 21, 2009

Lowered Gaze December 16, 2008

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
There’s a Beard on campus that I have recently taken a liking to. We work together on the MSA, and most Hijabs think he is dreamily complicated on the inside and irresistibly scrumpilicious on the outside. The problem is that he refuses to look me in the eye. And no, it’s not like he looks at other body parts instead – if he has to speak to me, he just looks off to the side as if I don’t exist and mumbles softly into thin air! And yet he is so strong, dark and handsome that I cannot help falling desperately in love with him. Is he just shy? I don’t see him interact with other Hijabis much, so I am wondering if perhaps my relative hotness may be scaring him away? Like maybe he thinks he will lose his wudu just by looking at me or something?
I.Candy in Illinois

Dear I.Candy

Indeed, most Beards do seem to take the Quranic pronouncement to ‘lower the gaze’ a bit too literally, so much so that that there are now too many Beards out there lowering their eyes only to find that they are unwittingly ogling a woman’s bumpity parts, or — shock! horror! gasp! — the dangerously forbidden nether regions, all in their unrelenting quest to diligently avoid the deadly sorcerous gaze of Woman. Take a moment to repeat a dua of sincere thanks to your Lord that your Beard does not display such licentious (but extremely well-intentioned) behaviour. However, what are you to do with the strangeness that is your particular Beard? Particularly when his eye evasion tactics remind you of a shy seventeen year old virgin quivering on her wedding night out of fear of that big burly bear of a man climbing into bed beside her? Of course, if this were a role reversal game, some un-Hijabis might be perfectly happy to play along – if they knew the rules of the game beforehand, that is.

Unfortunately, we at SABM have seen too many cases such as this one to dismiss it outright. In the past, it was easy enough to hide behind religious justifications of profound modesty and avoidance of zina, but piety cannot quite explain your Beard’s reticence to meet a woman’s eyes. The truth, we regret to say, is that your Beard suffers from an extreme anxiety disorder which commonly afflicts those who have been severely traumatized by a Hijabi in the past – perhaps your Beard’s headscarf-bearing mother gave him a harsh beating with her slippers when, as a twelve year old, he could not stop wetting his bed each night? Sadly, you cannot help him now, as he is too broken to be of any use to you. The best advice you might offer him is that he get himself to an experienced (and, may we suggest, non-Muslim) doctor as soon as possible for cognitive behavioural therapy and perhaps a bit of medication too. But of course, given that he avoids your deadly gaze, you may have real difficulty conveying this important bit of information to him. While we at SABM do not wish to adopt a defeatist attitude when it comes to snagging Beards, we believe this particular Beard is unsuitable for marriage purposes, and it is best to simply avoid his annoyingly evasive company for the moment in the hopes that your deepest desires for him are in time abated.

Solution to Asian Beardlessness December 15, 2008

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I am of Asian origin and cannot grow a beard. Does this make me unattractive to hijabis?
Beard-challenged in Bangkok

Dear Beard-challenged,
We at SABM offer our deepest condolences that you cannot sprout a bush of your own. You are of course not to be faulted; it is as if you were born without an essential body part of some sort. Nevertheless, we are charged with the very weighty responsibility of forthrightness, and so our sensitivity to your unfortunate circumstances should not serve to hide the reality that Hijabis lust over Beards – even Hijabis with sequined headscarves and jingling jewellery and midnight blue eye shadow. You could of course seek to excel in other areas to make up for your terrible deficiency. If you were to pray in slow motion fifteen times a day rather than a paltry five, you might make the cut. In the circumstance that you are unable to be so pious – and shame on you, Beardless sir! – we would strongly recommend you consider an appendage that will aid you in your snagging. These crafty little paste-on beards really are your best bet — they look so real they are guaranteed to make every girl within the vicinity recite astaghfir allah a hundred times:

Beard Networks November 13, 2008

It has been our study here, at SABM, that being a part of a “beard network” is often one of the most effective methods of snagging.

Prior to moving forward, let us define what beard networks are. Firstly, beards are defined as “the growth of hair on the face of an adult man, often including a moustache.” Secondly, a human network is defined as “an extended group of people with similar interests or concerns who interact and remain in informal contact for mutual assistance or support.”

Now imagine a beautiful lush valley full of Beards, roaming around with beautiful glistening chin hair and long flowing thobes reaching their hairy ankles. Their sandals flip and flop as they walk around with a slightly hunched pious stature, pondering on God’s creations like little bunnies, rainbows, bees, and sunbeams. What a lovely sight. But without networks, these Beards may simply roam about in a random and confused fashion, like sheep waiting to be chosen for the slaughter. What they need to do, is become a part of the Beard Network.

By Beard Networks, we at SABM are referring to something akin to a Beard Grapevine. When a group of people (Beards) come together to achieve similar goals (to snag a wifey), it can be extremely useful and effective. When one Beard gets married, he suddenly has access to all of his beloved wifey’s unmarried friends. So, all unmarried Beards in his vicinity need to cozy up to this married friend by bringing him food such as samosas or fried chicken, by washing his car, or by shoveling his driveway. This way, when wifey mentions one of her unmarried friends, Beard would say: “well, I do have a bearded friend who has dropped off several cases of samosas over the last few months…”

And viola! Bearded male has thus entered the Beard Network. And we at SABM sincerely hope that the Beards who are lucky enough to become a part of this network, are worthy of snagging our female friends.

Bearded Wife? November 6, 2008

Dear Snagabeardedmozlem,
I must admit something embarrassing to you: my dear wife is growing a beard. I admit I have not paid much attention to her in the past several months, but this morning, in an attempt to win back my affections, she leaned over my shoulder as I read the morning paper, and that was when I felt some sharp needle-like objects boring into me. I turned my head and discovered over a dozen hairs gracing her fine chin. Any suggestions on how to broach this subject with her? I don’t want to upset her, but I also don’t want to be in competition with her – I want to have the bigger beard!
Competing in Connecticut

Dear Competing,

We at SABM are quite sorry to hear of your predicament. Beards of the male variety really are the best kind. However, some Mozlem women do have a thriving abundance of facial hair, and though we do not recommend you saunter about telling each one what to do, you are more than welcome to speak to your own wife about this hairy predicament.

Do keep in mind the following, however. Your wife must have grown that beard because you were not paying adequate attention to her. In fact, this is likely a stiff and challenging test she’s put to you to see if you are able to notice anything new about her. Women with beards learn how to hide that hairy reality from their innocent husbands – that your wife has not done so suggests that she is hopeless of regaining your loving attention and sadly has little or no expectation of you noticing her prickliness. She has thus been pushed to behave rebelliously, committing nushuz and usurping your male dominance and power in the process. Make no mistake: this is entirely your fault, and your wife is surely hoping beyond all hope that you will wrest control away from her by vocally critiquing her newest facial fuzzies, thus ending the dreadful cycle of inattention in this near-dysfunctional relationship.

So what are you to do? Commenting on the recently acquired stubble will likely send your wife into a confused paroxysm of tears. On the one hand, she will be pleased that you have taken note of her. On the other, she will be infuriated that you have only noticed her under very hairy and unpleasant circumstances.

The solution then is to woo your abandoned wife for at least a month. While you shower her with kindness and shiny rings of immeasurable value, mention nothing of the beard. Of course, this will mean that unless she has already generously chosen to forgive you, thus removing those hideous strands, you will likely have to quietly endure the steady growth of those sprouts into a full-blown raging beard as you engage in the very tedious process of winning your wife back. Once the relationship is back on track, it is time for you to mention the beard. Your wife will love you so much at this point that anything negative you say will simply be stored up in the dark and cavernous recesses of her crafty mind until you have upset her sufficiently enough for her to cleverly regurgitate it all again.

Of course, we at SABM wish you the very best of success.

A Fitting Compliment November 5, 2008

So Lady Wuggles was just recently described as a fitna. A fellow who was interested in her for marriage purposes found his advances thwarted, and, embittered, lamented to her father that she was indeed a ‘fitna’. At first Lady Wuggles was horrified and distraught. How dare she be called a fitna? But later it became obvious to her that she must be incredibly skilled if, by way of a plain abaya and hijab, she was able to ensnare a hot-blooded Beard so thoroughly that he could not help but speak glowingly and in highly complimentary terms about her snagging capabilities to others.

Snag-enablers October 27, 2008

So, Single Initiate! You have finally come to the startling realization that you are not quite sure how to approach a prospective Beard – or worse, you simply cannot find an appropriately available and luscious Beard to snag. Enter the trusty, all-knowing Snag-enabler! These crafty little women (and they are always women, mind you) with sharp eyes and even sharper tongues are all too eager to guide a fresh lass through the endless maze that is the Snag-quest – with fascinating and sometimes alarming results.

It begins with a seemingly innocuous question, a gently persistent, “why, how old are you, dear?” whilst you sit by in the masjid or traipse about at a $20,000 desi bridal extravaganza or glide discreetly to and fro the lobby at an Islamic conference minding your own pretty business. Before long, the questions escalate into “and why aren’t you married yet, poor soul?” and if by then you do not realize you really are in deep trouble and must locate your beloved mother immediately, we at SABM cannot be of much help to you. But despair not, Single Initiate, for all is not lost. Rest assured that even you can learn to avoid the many risks associated with sly Snag-enablers whilst shamelessly enjoying the Bearded fruits of their gleamy-eyed searching.

First, you must learn to lower your expectations. If Snag-enabler tells you she has “a nice boy for you”, chances are the dear fellow’s only been convicted of drug possession twice. If Snag-enabler winks that he’s a looker too, be profoundly thankful that his round, rubbery face is graced with a full set of (admittedly yellow) teeth. And if – we hesitate to say this, for it is so repulsive to our minds – if she insists he has religious potential, chances are he has nary a sprout of facial beard to show at all!

On this note, we at SABM generously offer yet another piece of advice: You must learn every gory detail you can about your interfering Snag-enabler so that you are better able to comprehend the strange and unusual choices she makes. If she prays twice a year on Eid, ‘religious’ to her is the Beardless who does likewise. If she is older than your already tottering parents, you should not be at all surprised that she has more grotesque tastes than they do – and even poorer eyesight to boot! If she is disliked by most, it is highly likely that she will recommend every male misfit and social outcast who finds solace in her wretched company. And if, God forbid, she is your age and so very selflessly recommending another man to you, then you must not hesitate to inquire in a very kind but direct way as to why she would not marry this man – near-perfect as she claims he is – herself. If she hasn’t a good answer – and we at SABM have found Snag-Enablers our age rarely do – then we are terribly sorry to reveal to you that she despises you with a red-hot passion and, out of envy that you are so charmingly single and ripe for the picking, is all too eager to marry you off as quickly as possible to the most repulsive Beardless she encounters.

That trusty black cloth October 4, 2008

One of the cleverest ways to snag a Beard is by way of the old niqab. But won’t that make me look like a ghost, you say – albeit a black one? Won’t it hide my sultry lips, my cute nose, that darling little dimple in my rosy right cheek? It will, Inexperienced One. But it will also highlight your best feature: your eyes. If the eyes are the windows of the soul, then the kohl-and-niqab combination make for lovely window dressing! The trick is to dress up your eyes enough that they highlight your most important feature but do not distract away from it. After all, you want your intended to see your soul, yes?

Of course, not all Beards will be attracted to the niqab. But many are blinded by the excitement and forbidden promise of that alluring gaze peeping back at them and refuse to believe a grotesquely hideous face might accompany such seductive olive-shaped eyes. For all of their fickle foolishness, we at SABM are of the firm and unmoving belief that such Beards deserve to be subject to the greatest of feminine trickeries.

Now it is important to realize that not all niqabs are designed for this deceitful purpose. For example, the full-face cover will obviously hide those glorious come-hither eyes, and this will do you no good in your quest to snag a Beard. The most trustworthy niqab for your purposes is that which consists of plain black layers of cloth with a slit for the eyes. The beauty of this niqab is that it will narrow your face and is quite capable of hiding your fat stubby nose and the wrinkles around your eyes. And with a little whitening makeup, you can even conceal the darkness of your skin, thus providing sufficient contrast between the milky whiteness of your accidentally exposed flesh and the stunning glow of those beautiful eyes such that even a pious Beard could not help but notice, even if he simply took a single longing glance.